Pirate
by Agatha Khristie
Summary: I wanted to become a pirate. But then... Something.


Radical Story – Pirate

By: Agatha Kristie

My name is Patrick, and this is my story. It all began when I wanted to become a pirate… Which happened a couple of weeks ago. It is now August 22nd at 3:00 A.M and something strange is happening. I keep hearing clanking sounds coming from outside. I go to my window and not to my surprise I found the source of the sound. It was just Mr. Dumb working on his stupid old car again. He could never get over the fact it's 2006. "Living in the past will kill you one day," I remembered my mother say to me once. But she also said, "So if you live in the present times, the crimes, assaults, insults, salt, and other things can't follow you to kill you," which made no sense to me. So I just took it as "follow your dreams and become a pirate!" I think three seconds later, the door flung open and standing there was my dad with his arms crossed and sitting in the crisscross-apple-sauce position. He didn't look happy, but then again I wouldn't either in that position. Before I had a chance to question my thinking on the relationship between applesauce and arms, by dad spoke out in his grumpy voice, "Marry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." I couldn't help but laugh at the randomness he invoked. I laughed so hard that I began to back up for some odd reason. Probably something to do with gravity pills; but there I was, laughing and walking in reverse at the same time. After about two and a half seconds of laugh-walking, I hit the edge of my widow on to which I fell over and collapsed on the ground below. When I woke up from a tiny coma, blurry vision surrounded my vision. And all I could see was dirt, meaning I could see blurry dirt. After about five seconds of recovery, I heard a sound that went "errrr, eee, rrrr," which I've heard somewhere before but I won't say. I then looked up from my 50 story house and saw my dad about to close the window. But by the time I finished that thought in my head, he already done so.

So I went to my front door and attempted to open it. Well it opened. Gosh, you thought it wouldn't! Anyways, I gimped my way up the flight of stairs that had nails sticking out and holes that my dad punched in. When I got to the top, I had to go down a level because I forgot that the toilet was on the top floor and my bedroom was on the 50th. Yeah, the bathroom is on the roof. Father said it was better that way. Speaking of father, he was there at my bedroom door with the same look and the same position. He was looking at the mirror that he placed in front of him and then bashed his head in it to look at me and say "go to bed!" He then slammed his bedroom door. Which was also my mother's bedroom door. Sheesh, you thought they were split up? When the door slammed, it made a bit of a current to which I stood there, crying. The current went by my tear making me feel cold. I didn't know why my father hated me so much. But I'll become a pirate one day. That'll prove to him that I can be better than a non-pirate!

The next day I woke up, but then fell back to sleep.

The next day I woke up and saw the sun shining so bright. But then I look again because last time I was only "looking" and saw that it was just my light bright I forgot to turn off. Meaning it was night time because you know why? That's right, we're vampires! Sucking the blood of only the dead. My mother came into my room running full speed towards me. I opened my arms waiting for a hug but instead she slapped me and shouted, "Let's go son! Time to feed!" Your whole world is turned upside down I'm thinking. But we vampires only kill the dead to become more dead then the word "dead" in the dictionary could possibly explain. I went downstairs and got on my coat. We were headed to the graveyard. It was a perfect place to feed because we live in a town where all the army people get buried because all of them are poor or don't have a good kill-to-death ratio. When we arrived, we got our shovels and started digging out a grave. All of a sudden, a police car appeared and was moving closer to us. Both my parents slapped me and shouted, "Go and distract him!" I ran quickly, due to the pain recently inflicted, and shouted help at the police man. He stopped, got out of his car, and shun his flashlight at my pasty skin. The guy stood there for a good nine divided by 3 seconds and questioned, "Are you lost?" I replied in the most honest matter, "Yes, take me to your leader," but then quickly corrected myself, "Uh, I mean my house?" For a few minutes, he stood there still shining his flashlight at me. By then, I was ready to just give up and kill his flashlight. That all changed when he agreed to help and said, "Alright, get in and I'll return you to your house." He took one step and got shot in the head. Great, now I was confused. But that was all erased when I heard my mother shout from a distance "Tango!" Tangos? Why would they be here at night? Trying to sketch out the possibilities on why the tangos are here, my drawing was shot to which I ducked and quickly headed over to my mother's location. After, my mother, father, and I all laid down and tried to blend into the ground. Mother was covering herself in dirt while father was pulling out his hair and replacing it with the grass on the ground. Me, I was too scared to do anything at that point. Bullets were being shot everywhere around us but where we actually were. They were getting louder and louder, and my father was whispering commands quieter and quieter. Everything wasn't going as we intended, and mother started to feel the effects as she was planting seeds on her dirt-camo. After five minutes of talking about dirt and jellybeans, the Tangos turned into tangerines. My father looked around but then got mad as he found me alive. Father slapped me and then my mother, and then the corpse. My father then shouted at my mother, "Mother! You almost ambushed us by saying "Tango!" You know that Tangos attack every time you say that!" My mother cried. Then I cried.

Then my father called in a tactical nuke. All I heard was "rrr-eee" times that by three, and a nuke symbol printed in my vision which rotated slowly on the point of origin and bloomed. Those and countless other effects used to make the nuke symbol which made my CPU go to 100% making me run slow. I looked around and saw my father running away as fast as he couldn't. My mother, on the other hand, was just turning in place but continually walking meaning she had a virus. I, however, knew that mice could survive these types of nukes. But I was going to be a vampire mouse meaning I would die by the intense light emitted from the explosion combined with the bloom setting I recently turned on. So, I needed to find shelter. But since I talked all the time, the nuke already hit. But since I was a pirate, I could run fast! Starting actions: nuke boom! Run, run, run, dive, hit the golden guy that stands and smiles all day and poops his pants because he was dared to for a billion dollars but now he lost because I hit him and he fell out, crawl, push down into ground.

After pushing, the line of symmetry between the nuke explosion and CO2 formed a protective shell around me. That's right! In 2006, all air we breathe is CO2. Got a problem with that? Or is this just another twisted story to you? Now, as I pushed the ground I've must of glitched or something. Because now I was falling in the sky. As I was falling, I was thinking of what I could land on. The chances of me landing on ice cream is 20%. Whereas landing on a pirate ship is the rest of the percent. After two microseconds of falling, I landed in… … … … … … … I mean on … … … … … … A ship! I told ya! That's right, I'm also a hillbilly! You have a problem with that? Good! When I landed, blurry vision surrounded my vision. And all I could see was chips of wood, meaning I could see blurry woodchips. After about five seconds of recovery, I heard a sound that went "errrr, eee, rrrr," which I've heard somewhere before but I won't say. I lifted my head and saw a person with a beard. Either I'm on a ship, or I am where my mother works at night. Na, it was a ship. And my mother works at a museum! Not what you thought! You're sick! The beard with a person on it, or vice versa, looked at me and talked, "Arr, you fell!" Out of all of the obvious, he picks the least. Wait, he said "you" … no, that wasn't it. He said "arr" … Yes! He's a pirate! I knew from the beginning they lied to me; saying pirates only exist within dreams and books. Not they also exist! But something was off, so I looked around a bit more. I saw that there was an engine which was covered by wood, which made an engine noise. I looked again, this time more thorough, and saw that there were walls and windows. No, not the museum! Wait… Why would the museum have an engine noise? Oh no, it couldn't be. Those walls are made out of mahogany and pine! And this floor was filled with red carpet. Also, the man didn't have a beard. He had a conductor suit meaning he was either A) a conductor, or B) a fake conductor. Combining the facts: mahogany-pine walls, red carpet, and engine covered by wood emitting engine noise, a conductor with a possibility of not being a conductor. No, the formula that Yahoo! answers gave fit the description of where I am. "You're on the Polar Express!" Oh no, that voice is so horrid it made me want to watch "The late night show with Danny Fernandez" instead of him. But something wasn't right about the setup. So I took out a microscope and looked more closely. It was… My house? And that must be my father! Oh, he does the funnies things. But now, I had to get up because he was holding the King Triton's Trident gum; to which he was going to offer me a piece! He and you know well that I'm allergic to the acids that aren't in those gums! He knew, you knew too! Oh no, now he's chewing a piece! He was going to blow! Blow air out of his mouth… You have the sickest mind ever! I tried to run but my mother was in my way. She was dead; dead and in my way at the same moment! That's harsh! In mean you're trying to run away from your crazy father and suddenly your dead mother is blocking your way? That's like a sleeping in a cradle full of knives! Is this confusing you? Well it should because I'm confused at all of this too. Maybe I should have put that in brackets. That way it makes it optional to read. Whatever, it's don't now! So, I tripped my father and he collapsed on the ground. Inside his mouth, the uvula punched his gum which made it cry the acids that weren't in it. The same acids that I was allergic to and my father as well, meaning he… Arrg, it's pointless explaining that bit. He was choking on the ground for about two minutes.

When he died, my mother woke up and found out the condition of father. She screamed and ran over to him; hoping to save him. After, she whipped her neck and looked at me with animated fire in her pupils. She then slapped me multiple times and commanded, "Don't just stand there! Give him your blood!" Darn, I forgot about reverse blood sucking. In medical terms it's called "blood diffusion". I went over to the ballroom, like in the game of clue, and got a lead pipe and Professor Plum. Placing Plum beside my mother with the lead pipe in his hand inflicted death on my mother. But Plum killed himself because my mother wasn't a recognized character in that game. So it was up to me. I had to kill her, I had no choice! She didn't believe I could become a pirate from the beginning when I went mental about it. I took the lead pipe and began to walk slowly towards her. I was making "errrrr, breath, arrrrgg, breath" and repeated that script until Arg: 1 arrived at Arg: 4. After that script was done, I looked at her but she didn't look at me is because she couldn't because she was born deft. Yeah, confusing because I said a lot of "because's". I swung the pipe at her head and missed! Now this was the tricky part because I was one of those kids at baseball who couldn't hit the ball on the stands. So now I ask, has this disadvantage of mine made a disadvantage? Overall? Oh, I forgot that I was only dreaming I was in baseball. Meaning I didn't miss and I killed her. I'm also an idiot because I forgot I wrote a note when I would kill her in this story. Now both my father and my mother lie dead before me. All my doing. The power, it feels… Alright. Because if I said "good" that would invoke copyright infragments from the movie Spiderman 3: rise of the machines, to which the directors would send the copyright team after me. So what do I do now that I killed two innocent people? I guess if following the rules in Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, this is the part where I find a bed and sleep for the Dark Brotherhood to find me. So I didn't.


End file.
